did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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