I was born with a shot glass in my hand
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
