i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
