I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
They are going to name an STD after you.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
