Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
