So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
