life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
