She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
