decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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