I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
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i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
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I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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