Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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