I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
