i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
