yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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