There is no way he is gay with that hair.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
did i walk over a car last night?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
