Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
