I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
