you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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