don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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