Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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