I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
no. you can't hotbox the world.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
