You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
