Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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