apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
