Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
