we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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