I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
