Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Randomize
