Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
