it was like his penis was on wheels.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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