I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Success! We fucked roommates!
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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