I think my fart just growled at me.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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