Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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