masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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