the condom got lost in my hair
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I want you more than these girls want KFC
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Randomize
