tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
