dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Randomize
