i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Even my vagina gasped.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
