New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Randomize
