I met the friendliest cop last night
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Randomize