it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
