Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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