I want to have your abortion
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
