We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I wish there were birth control emojis
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
