I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
