I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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