Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
