if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
