Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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