Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
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