and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
