Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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