its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize