some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
