Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
