update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
