Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i wish my penis had a tongue
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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