6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
